China Town....

Mirror of  Dark …..side …


Note before you read-




 This write up i s based on my observation about long distance relationship,the helplessness the couple faces,real life only inpires reel life smilarly more i interact with people more stories i get....i am quite inspired from column in times of India"Diary of single girl"....




At times what we try to block most ,comes adamantly ,stands straight with pride in front of  us  on and off !!!,we  just keep on guessing what could have been the intention behind???days pass by  ,months crossed years are gone…..still how come memory stands so strong ???

Yet to understand this strange phenomena, is it just me??? or others go through this estranglement too ,this old wound keep on getting scratched and bleeding only stops temporarorily,I m sure others must be laughing at my back ,about my constant nagging on my past  but with this fact doesn’t twist .it remains same ,and cherry on top of cake ,my super good imaginative abilities which help connecting things at such a fast rate that …the journey of ten years get knitted in five minutes….

Today evening after finishing my ppt ,I came to living room and sat down on sofa with cup of coffee and had no option other then watching the same channel which my mother was watching, it was some old shammi Kapoor movie ,one word which kept on repeating itself and was like hammer on my ear drum the word was “CHINA TOWN” again hardly  5 sec, I was drowned to  the e- mail that some one  wrote ,me after one of our major fight and separation of  almost 2 months  which said “ I am in china town,nothing without u,tried to trace u a lot all failed ,plz come back ,I am coming back to home town  in December,again a bull shit “will you marry me “reading this I had tears in my eyes and dfelt deap  love in my heart ,…..

Halt to present -Within fraction of seconds I was again hating Calcutta with core of my heart so much that news flashed in tv,”earth quake in calcuta”,and my expressions were like” good “!!  i know that’s cruel L but that’s my hatred for that city, deep down I know the city has nothing to do with my destiny ,but still I hate it,it feels like if he dint go there leaving me ,never ever we would have been separated,…. All this has no logic ,but who would make this silly heart understand as it chooses to believe only what it likes ,irrespective of what reality is ,…..my heart is damn stubborn ….and I am paying for its stubborn nature

At times i feel ,its not love its my zidd,my complex ,the insult I faced ,my ego hurt ,whatever it is ,truth is- it is there ,very much prominent how ever I name it …and hurts ,me stops me from moving forward…and I cant even blame anyone except ,me for it …

That phone call : that agony is in my nerves ,as if some non professional  is constantly giving me injections here and there  and its paining I cant cry as I am not child so tears are coming out helplessly, and heart is so damn heavy then numb …the dried tears on cheeks are forming patches … can never forget that phone call :which she picked up when I called your number ,and said u were  in washroom, yes I was rude to her ,and i had  all the reason to  be rude to her ,I thought when you wud talk to me you would say sorry!!! But you shouted ,the shout I would never forget ,as at times it  still awakes me from  my sleep -“ Enough is enough ,I have people in my life who are more important then you ,I cant take your emotional upheavels now and then say sorry to her, How  dare you be rude to her ,,,,,I was like ..Blank wanted to say …what was she doing in your room ….but my voice broke down,I couldn’t believe you were shouting at me for her, …..i don’t know what the situation was at your end  ,what mental trauma you were in ,what struggle you were doing,??what all hardships you were facing but you should have told me na,you never trusted me enough to share your inner most feelings ,and then some one else came between us,why ???

                                                     Seeing your photographs and those mushy talks with that next girl in your life! On that networking site!!!killed me ,I never accepted it to be true and thought you are trying to make me jealous( we girls try to give all benefit of doubt),but I saw ,I saw from my own eyes, I saw people making mockery of my trust over you,,,those few of last begging calls I made to you and your family members …to ask why did you go? ……and your last rude lines “  yes I am dating some one ,I have found  a girl who has serious understanding of relationship you are commercialized  selfish girl ,who never heard me ,always did opposite of what I said ….. probably you were right ,I was immature to understand “relationship handling “at that time I was commercialized because i wanted you to settle down fast so that we can be together ,,and yes at times I dint listen to you too ,but behind all this ….you knew I love you ,like no one can do and probably can’t do ever in my life again….all blames you gave me I accept bowing my head –you said I don’t know cooking ,you are unconscious flirt.you are not aishwarya rai ,why people are after you,

You were never rude with me till last,it was always me who raised voice….you know I was so foolish ,that I thought you cant walk without me much you would stammer and fall down ,and would comeback,but then I realized you were strong ,very strong or I was never that good …I thought you were dependant on me, but you were not …

We met ,fought,sperated,found out again again met again differences arose again distant ,moved in different direction ,but again met….only one thing is common it was always me who found you J never you .

Your leaving me,  was first time in encountered murder of my dream ….it was hard believing you are not there,first slap of reality

Before a relationship ends few last months we all  try to trail it ,both the partners can feel the heat but they some how try to keep it going ,which is most painful, I was able to see you going far…..i told u,there is change in your touch….and you said your hands have turned hard bcz of struggle you had to put in ….but no ,I could see warmth missing …

I was blind in your love but not fool not to understand what you meant when you asked me  or told me there is a friend (girl)who needs your other friend(some other boy)not only emotionally but physically too,is it wrong if the other guy tries helping her only for the sake of friendship !!!!  i said NO with tremble in my heart but you know I knew that  male friend was  no one else“you “but I could never think of loosing you so I accepted that too ,I wanted you any how …when we talked in late night and  you were in  your room ,you use to hurriedly keep down the phone ,I always had this thing in my mind may be some one is there …but I dint want to sound like shaqqi girlfriend ,when our call rates  were deturiating day by day and you irritatedly said when I said aur batao “roz roz kya batau 2-3 din ruk ke phone karo to kuch naya bhe ho...there was a time when i started feeling may be i am not beautiful , that why ...it was silly but even i got complex ed  badly about how i look 

On one holy when I called at your landline   your bua asked me who NEHA??? I was again afraid but pretending to be broad mind L  and tried ignoring …

Finally when you called to tell me, you are working with “Archies “and have very good looking boss & you asked me can I flirt with her,I said yes you can,I wanted to show you I trust you ….may be I was foolish ,may be I was wrong

I was so damn foolish ,I never ever let  these ugly phase ever come out of my heart so it stayed there and made a tree whose branches kept on tormenting my ways every time I moved on,

I was so much in love with you that I choose only to share our good time to others and to myself,your sweetness, your style, your ability to make feel good, those  special gifts ,to which  love added special flavor- the cartoon tweety ring, that diary with poems written in it,that carton with mangoes (unforgettable )the watch ,the chocolates ,those 2 bucays and three roses ….(see elephant’s memory)I remember all those cute lines you said along with those last few rude phrases…..those secret codes B4U,Polo holes,  your quiz- you have only two options you would marry me or not and your options are  YES or HA ,choose

I accepted its finally over and not to break down ,but restart my life once again without you, as if you  was never ever part of it ,as if you never said “ would you be interested in exchange of varmala’s with me “you  always made me believe wrong things you  said love makes life beautiful ,it was a lie …

 My dreams were silly to you ,but they were cute to me ,your name initial as  my bindi for years …..to look at myself in your eyes ,to wear your shirt ,and many more ….

I am not blaming you, never I did in past ,you never harmed me,I just got hurt bcz of my excessive love ,u were fair at your part  ,you went out  made me clear about it and never came back …… its me who was still drowned though its already 5 years of our break up …

You were not wrong it was me who never stopped chasing my dream ,tried choosing same proffesion,to get you back,started loving dogs,learned cooking,and much more

After meeting you again

I know the truth again my instinct  told me “,it was love but its over now”(from your end)completely fair …..probably it was your second relationship which was mature and more close to you …..because “lucky is the man who is first love of women and luckiest the women who is last love of man “

koi shikwa na koi gil hai ,tumse kab humko ye gam mila hai…….


..we never even  hugged  ..all physical intimacy i remember was .when you held my hand while crossing road ...and those five seconds meant my world i never wanted you to leave my hands  people told me that may be this was the reason you drifted away,i dont believe this ,because i know you never saw me that ways ...

lastly to feel better ……

“ Shayad  tum galat nahe,   Shayad tum majboor thei

Shayad   Tum mujh se he nahe,  Khud se bhe door ho

Shayad mere he ahsaas mai tum kisse aur ke sath ho

Shyad tum bhe rote ho, shayad tum bhe udaas ho

Shayd ….shayad tum aaj bhe mere he pass ho J

“Long distance relationship is tough to be carried out “

and we never met.........

p.s I would always hate Calcutta