IT JUST COLLAPSED!!!!!

                                   In life there are no facts only interpretations!!!!!

 I feel guilty of  not having given you the love and attention that I could always sense was expected by you from me,  I always wanted to but I guess I was  a weak character who could never get out of her past,    Was it  a bad “ Time circle’, or ‘astrological stars’ were not in favor, difference of city age or mentality  ,my ‘baggage’ or your  “imaginations for your partner ” that ruined it all so badly….. The winter when it started the winter when it came to and end, what resulted in experiencing this sour burnt taste in mouth ,the extreme love - hate, heartful laughter and agonized cry ,how the eyes filled with love changed to expression of disgust !!

                                       anger,irritation,frustration,helplessness,humiliation,the suffocation, the guilt the innocent trial to make it work till last breath  ,the stubbornness of heart,   the reactions over each others action!!!the painful agony when we both were right at our own prospective, we could even understand each other but we  often doubted each others intentions . ..

                                      You thought me so "CLEVER" which I was not so and ended up making" wicked "You were not that "EVIL", but I ended up making you "DEVIL"

                 Many sorry, put together can not help us forgiving each other for the pain we caused in each others nerve.At one instant everything look so perfect other end it looks like a fall out.It was a beautiful world based without base. Our special favors to our own liking and then pushing each other to like it too

What went wrong we both know our part and we assume the others part?

                                     Assumption another thing that went wrong, your line on the first drive “I love my space “ gave me a clue you  would give your partner space too .and u saw me and judged me from my stories to be simple girl  and away from the evil world girl to be crisp “marriage material “ which I was ,but with experience of past was in full mood to change it ,in fact step to go on long drive with you was a step to that only ,

                                   I don’t deny that I was carrying my baggage of past  ,you knew it all ,but it was going with the love you were putting in,but I needed  “trust “ and “appreciation” may be I dint deserve it but I wanted it.all I got was lot n lot of love but with no trust and no respect ,and then our own grey shade started creating gap,your typical habit of cross checking and my typical habit of making more mistake when I  am checked ,and  my  doing things only forsake of doing without understanding without meaning ,just a way to avoid fight and win over a point for next argument …and as u said half hearted things bears no result.

It wasn’t so I was insensitive or emotional less, I was serious enough but not sincere, it was like writing without interest or like doing engineering when u wanted to be model, 90% I have put in every thing I had, to win over u ,to save the relationship where I invested a lot, but remaining 10% anger flared me to think and speak ina wrong way .

         The love, importance, priority and undivided attention I got from you has no comparison, I know I cant have it ever again ….a life style any one would envy (except few limitations)

To me you hated every thing i loved and so I started being indifferent to everything u liked ,I thought u like yo see me hurt alwaz,bcz u always asked why I smile with others ,and not u ,and you expected me to make face and cry after we fought ,and had problems if I look ok .

Now it looks like an evil scheme played with us, which caused us this doomed relationship
  I often wondered ,if I deserve the kind of importance that u gave me,we got into relationship but path to become soul mate was far. in fact not visible ,I was still to get out of the mode of being pampered  and baby sat,like it happened in first few month of our relationship,the silent estrangement was killing two of us .

                                   A mistake a girl does I did too entered the relationship casually expecting it to end soon,and not accepting it in front of my circle , couldn’t handle stress at all and ended up screwingthe whole situation ,was happily accepting the good things but was having lines on forehead what I dint like in u.exaggarting the “the glorious past”enjoyingthe princess treatment forgetting I have to give it back too,and when time to give back came I wanted to run away …..when I faked I was caught…..so frustrated I lied & then u made me tied !!we got at worst !!!and it doomed it all !!!

Second time .......

Dare to fall in love again ……

                   Enter the second relation!!!!!!!

what is he thinking and what is she thinking???

“Vegetarians can’t be trusted” He said

                                      “Nonvegitarians are cruel “ she said    

The tug of war continues on and on and on. for  protection against blames ,best is before he says ,you attack there is never dearth of reasons to pull down each other ,when a women or lets say even a man dares to give him/herself a second chance and gets committed once again ,they hardly have any idea that they are going on testing platform where they will be checked by their partner every now and then for there every small or big act,their all activities and even their intentions can be questioned and answers will be cross checked ,

You haveto prove at each lane that you are honest and sincere, what you do for your relationship  would be considered normal ,but what you don’t do for whatever logical reason the end result would come out to be you are not sincere enough ,you are casual about your relationship

                        A trial to add that extra to win the trust often creates gap between the real desire to do it and the way it is  done ,anyone can make mistake but in this case your mistakes are liable for being postmortemed & due to preconceived notion ,the result would be same ,you are not good enough,how much you do but its always less

Insecurity creates abnormality in behavior,isn’t it natural for anyone who has been serious in her relationship to take some time to be completely out of it ,does that makes her mentally infidel to her present partner? She needs support, empathy and understanding not regular checks on her,and whatshe gets to hear is “trust is some thing you don’t get for free,earn it “

And in theprocess of earning so called trust ,you are not allowed to make mistake too,you will have surprise test and quizzes  too,like when me met? What was the colour of my shirt? Where me met ? what is number of my car ? You have to answer instantly without any phone a friend option, its even to the extent “you don’t know till now that from which switch,light gets own” because you don’t know these answers so ofcourse –YOU don’t care ,to hell with that ,that you are taking care ofthings and responsibilities  at much better end then with whom you knew all these answers,

                                                  You kill yourself to prove nothing matters,what matters is what you did in your last relationship ,has to be done plus what new things you haveto add up,this regular comparison would go on but if you dare to compare …..you are cheap !!!your one simple sentence can be proved as lie,because you would be asked to narrate same incident 5 times in 5 months then you will be told all versions don’t match,bloody hell even if saroj khan dances on same number 5 times in 5 months ,her step would also not be similar ,but who cares,so you are a liar !!!!

                                  I wonder how people forget the difference of age, mentality and city ,when you are in school and college you are silly enough to keep chocletes and toffee wrappers that your partner gifts as memoria ,but you don’t do it when you are working professional even if you are with same guy,but you will be questioned why you threw thardairy milk wrapper,I have seen in your diary you had habit of keeping it,is it so that today on who gave it is not that imprtanat….grrrrr how to answer this !!!!!

                                            All the lectures regarding deapth,consistency, dignity of being women, importance of speaking truth why is it only told but not followed, if you are checking some one’s mailans messges ,isn’t it breach of privacy ???if you find some chat u don’t understand but you perceive, whose fault it is, why wont a person lie,if you wanna see all the chats ,why wont she make another account,why to control some one’s life ???

                                             Tell me who is short tempered in his youth ???,very few of us, at that time most of us are in dreamy world where everything is perfect ,so how does this  become such an important question,you never had such  bad temperament in your previous relationship,but you shout at me ?????you are mature,sensible have better understanding of life by now so you are cautious ,you are practical,its irrational to expect to behave in similar pattern as u did in your last relationship,why cant individuality be not respected??The reality is with second relationship,person has already learnt from his past his mistakes ,so he/she is more conscious and future oriented, no one likes failure ,

Truth is not this ,that is no love or less love,  love was very much there but the questionnaire round and testings and trials of proving and earning trust,backseated love somewhere   .’with your first love there is kidishness,there is innocence,there is purity ,you are in your dreamland you don’t know what reality is so you act differently ,but secondtime you already know how life is ,so you plan instead of panicking….

                                                       Even if you meet your x,its not a crime to be hanged till death or sentenced home imprisonment under serious custody and hard work ,meeting x, doesn’t make the person  is infidel,may be something was left to be finished,may be it was important,may be a realization its better he is your x…sometimes it is important to confront….think before you blame…its not easy for either instead of understanding creating a havoc, for any genuine person its not easy to move in and out of relationship so frequently it takes time, it needs patience, it needs understanding ,it needs time ………

                                  Relationship can work smoothly without love, but it just can’t work without trust, AND “TRUST HAS TO BE DEVELOPED” not earned ….

                                            Second relationship doesn’t mean  second priority ,but in haste of having all people ruin it and once again, break the person …and make her/him more hard ..

China Town....

Mirror of  Dark …..side …


Note before you read-




 This write up i s based on my observation about long distance relationship,the helplessness the couple faces,real life only inpires reel life smilarly more i interact with people more stories i get....i am quite inspired from column in times of India"Diary of single girl"....




At times what we try to block most ,comes adamantly ,stands straight with pride in front of  us  on and off !!!,we  just keep on guessing what could have been the intention behind???days pass by  ,months crossed years are gone…..still how come memory stands so strong ???

Yet to understand this strange phenomena, is it just me??? or others go through this estranglement too ,this old wound keep on getting scratched and bleeding only stops temporarorily,I m sure others must be laughing at my back ,about my constant nagging on my past  but with this fact doesn’t twist .it remains same ,and cherry on top of cake ,my super good imaginative abilities which help connecting things at such a fast rate that …the journey of ten years get knitted in five minutes….

Today evening after finishing my ppt ,I came to living room and sat down on sofa with cup of coffee and had no option other then watching the same channel which my mother was watching, it was some old shammi Kapoor movie ,one word which kept on repeating itself and was like hammer on my ear drum the word was “CHINA TOWN” again hardly  5 sec, I was drowned to  the e- mail that some one  wrote ,me after one of our major fight and separation of  almost 2 months  which said “ I am in china town,nothing without u,tried to trace u a lot all failed ,plz come back ,I am coming back to home town  in December,again a bull shit “will you marry me “reading this I had tears in my eyes and dfelt deap  love in my heart ,…..

Halt to present -Within fraction of seconds I was again hating Calcutta with core of my heart so much that news flashed in tv,”earth quake in calcuta”,and my expressions were like” good “!!  i know that’s cruel L but that’s my hatred for that city, deep down I know the city has nothing to do with my destiny ,but still I hate it,it feels like if he dint go there leaving me ,never ever we would have been separated,…. All this has no logic ,but who would make this silly heart understand as it chooses to believe only what it likes ,irrespective of what reality is ,…..my heart is damn stubborn ….and I am paying for its stubborn nature

At times i feel ,its not love its my zidd,my complex ,the insult I faced ,my ego hurt ,whatever it is ,truth is- it is there ,very much prominent how ever I name it …and hurts ,me stops me from moving forward…and I cant even blame anyone except ,me for it …

That phone call : that agony is in my nerves ,as if some non professional  is constantly giving me injections here and there  and its paining I cant cry as I am not child so tears are coming out helplessly, and heart is so damn heavy then numb …the dried tears on cheeks are forming patches … can never forget that phone call :which she picked up when I called your number ,and said u were  in washroom, yes I was rude to her ,and i had  all the reason to  be rude to her ,I thought when you wud talk to me you would say sorry!!! But you shouted ,the shout I would never forget ,as at times it  still awakes me from  my sleep -“ Enough is enough ,I have people in my life who are more important then you ,I cant take your emotional upheavels now and then say sorry to her, How  dare you be rude to her ,,,,,I was like ..Blank wanted to say …what was she doing in your room ….but my voice broke down,I couldn’t believe you were shouting at me for her, …..i don’t know what the situation was at your end  ,what mental trauma you were in ,what struggle you were doing,??what all hardships you were facing but you should have told me na,you never trusted me enough to share your inner most feelings ,and then some one else came between us,why ???

                                                     Seeing your photographs and those mushy talks with that next girl in your life! On that networking site!!!killed me ,I never accepted it to be true and thought you are trying to make me jealous( we girls try to give all benefit of doubt),but I saw ,I saw from my own eyes, I saw people making mockery of my trust over you,,,those few of last begging calls I made to you and your family members …to ask why did you go? ……and your last rude lines “  yes I am dating some one ,I have found  a girl who has serious understanding of relationship you are commercialized  selfish girl ,who never heard me ,always did opposite of what I said ….. probably you were right ,I was immature to understand “relationship handling “at that time I was commercialized because i wanted you to settle down fast so that we can be together ,,and yes at times I dint listen to you too ,but behind all this ….you knew I love you ,like no one can do and probably can’t do ever in my life again….all blames you gave me I accept bowing my head –you said I don’t know cooking ,you are unconscious flirt.you are not aishwarya rai ,why people are after you,

You were never rude with me till last,it was always me who raised voice….you know I was so foolish ,that I thought you cant walk without me much you would stammer and fall down ,and would comeback,but then I realized you were strong ,very strong or I was never that good …I thought you were dependant on me, but you were not …

We met ,fought,sperated,found out again again met again differences arose again distant ,moved in different direction ,but again met….only one thing is common it was always me who found you J never you .

Your leaving me,  was first time in encountered murder of my dream ….it was hard believing you are not there,first slap of reality

Before a relationship ends few last months we all  try to trail it ,both the partners can feel the heat but they some how try to keep it going ,which is most painful, I was able to see you going far…..i told u,there is change in your touch….and you said your hands have turned hard bcz of struggle you had to put in ….but no ,I could see warmth missing …

I was blind in your love but not fool not to understand what you meant when you asked me  or told me there is a friend (girl)who needs your other friend(some other boy)not only emotionally but physically too,is it wrong if the other guy tries helping her only for the sake of friendship !!!!  i said NO with tremble in my heart but you know I knew that  male friend was  no one else“you “but I could never think of loosing you so I accepted that too ,I wanted you any how …when we talked in late night and  you were in  your room ,you use to hurriedly keep down the phone ,I always had this thing in my mind may be some one is there …but I dint want to sound like shaqqi girlfriend ,when our call rates  were deturiating day by day and you irritatedly said when I said aur batao “roz roz kya batau 2-3 din ruk ke phone karo to kuch naya bhe ho...there was a time when i started feeling may be i am not beautiful , that why ...it was silly but even i got complex ed  badly about how i look 

On one holy when I called at your landline   your bua asked me who NEHA??? I was again afraid but pretending to be broad mind L  and tried ignoring …

Finally when you called to tell me, you are working with “Archies “and have very good looking boss & you asked me can I flirt with her,I said yes you can,I wanted to show you I trust you ….may be I was foolish ,may be I was wrong

I was so damn foolish ,I never ever let  these ugly phase ever come out of my heart so it stayed there and made a tree whose branches kept on tormenting my ways every time I moved on,

I was so much in love with you that I choose only to share our good time to others and to myself,your sweetness, your style, your ability to make feel good, those  special gifts ,to which  love added special flavor- the cartoon tweety ring, that diary with poems written in it,that carton with mangoes (unforgettable )the watch ,the chocolates ,those 2 bucays and three roses ….(see elephant’s memory)I remember all those cute lines you said along with those last few rude phrases…..those secret codes B4U,Polo holes,  your quiz- you have only two options you would marry me or not and your options are  YES or HA ,choose

I accepted its finally over and not to break down ,but restart my life once again without you, as if you  was never ever part of it ,as if you never said “ would you be interested in exchange of varmala’s with me “you  always made me believe wrong things you  said love makes life beautiful ,it was a lie …

 My dreams were silly to you ,but they were cute to me ,your name initial as  my bindi for years …..to look at myself in your eyes ,to wear your shirt ,and many more ….

I am not blaming you, never I did in past ,you never harmed me,I just got hurt bcz of my excessive love ,u were fair at your part  ,you went out  made me clear about it and never came back …… its me who was still drowned though its already 5 years of our break up …

You were not wrong it was me who never stopped chasing my dream ,tried choosing same proffesion,to get you back,started loving dogs,learned cooking,and much more

After meeting you again

I know the truth again my instinct  told me “,it was love but its over now”(from your end)completely fair …..probably it was your second relationship which was mature and more close to you …..because “lucky is the man who is first love of women and luckiest the women who is last love of man “

koi shikwa na koi gil hai ,tumse kab humko ye gam mila hai…….


..we never even  hugged  ..all physical intimacy i remember was .when you held my hand while crossing road ...and those five seconds meant my world i never wanted you to leave my hands  people told me that may be this was the reason you drifted away,i dont believe this ,because i know you never saw me that ways ...

lastly to feel better ……

“ Shayad  tum galat nahe,   Shayad tum majboor thei

Shayad   Tum mujh se he nahe,  Khud se bhe door ho

Shayad mere he ahsaas mai tum kisse aur ke sath ho

Shyad tum bhe rote ho, shayad tum bhe udaas ho

Shayd ….shayad tum aaj bhe mere he pass ho J

“Long distance relationship is tough to be carried out “

and we never met.........

p.s I would always hate Calcutta